Let go of your prisons

I would never wish upon anyone to lose a loved one through suicide. To have to watch a loved one hooked up to life support machines, with rope burns around their neck. The absolute loss. That beautiful tenor voice, and musical creativity never to be experienced again. Looking at my brother in that state, reawakened me to life, and how much time I have spent in my head, hanging onto things or people that do not serve my best or higher-self. Curt was imprisoned literally and figuratively. He was imprisoned by dark thoughts and pain, and ultimately imprisoned to a bed with tubes coming out of his beautiful being. I can see how I have imprisoned myself with my thoughts or ideologies as well. This morning I am feeling new sense of freedom and release of people and things. I am fortunate, that I can start anew today and so can you. To my dear friends, Let us not be a tragedy. I invite you to let go of your prisons whatever they may be. Where are your wounds? What are you hooked up to? Life is too short and precious.You are too precious. Let go, heal, set yourself free.

The Love that I AM

When we were at the hospital with Curt, the hospital would play a lullaby over the intercom system every time a baby was born. My sister Cristin, and my daughter Lindsay and I began looking forward every day to hearing the sound of the lullaby. There was something very therapeutic about knowing new life was entering the world, as my brother was leaving it. Life is so very very precious. We come into the world as love, as hope and as possibility. We are still all of those things. I think about my 20's and even my 30's worried about not being enough. Being smart enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, capable enough, strong enough, and good enough. I had forgotten. I had forgotten who I was. The time I had with my brother, helped me to remember to appreciate my life, live life with intent, and be the LOVE that I am.

My Heart Didn't Know the Difference

I am so grateful that I was able to hold my brothers hand for 4 days. That I was able to wash his face, wipe his nose and mouth, and rub his swollen feet and hands. That I was able to rub his head, and kiss his cheeks. That we were able to tell embarrassing or funny Curt stories and listen to his favorite music. That I was able to tell him I loved him, and how sorry I was that he was leaving us. That I was able to imprint the shape of his hands and his funny little thumbnail in my mind and heart. He had some brain stem activity until Thursday when he herniated during the night. I don't know how much of him was there, but it didn't matter. My heart didn't know the difference. It just saw my little brother and my heart just wanted to love him and honor him; to be a witness to his life. That was so incredibly difficult on so many levels, but am grateful we created loving space during his last days and that we sent his heart, wherever it may be beating, with lots of love.

Holding Space

There is something very powerful about holding and being present with someone else's suffering. I am grateful I have had the chance to practice this in my work as it prepared me to be there in this way for my brother. Honoring pain, is the path to healing. My brother carried so much pain. It must of felt too great a burden. So now I carry some of his pain with me, and I honor it, and give love to all those painful parts. Oh my beautiful brother, I love you. I will miss your beautiful voice, your dance moves, your teasing, and even the moments you tried to push people away with words. I am sad about all of the missed opportunities to extend love. I take all the pain and all the love to do good, to do better, to help and reach out to those who are suffering. Thank you for waking me up to all the love that still needs giving.

Wings are spread

Heart, kidney's, and liver went to recipients, lungs and pancreas to research. I have such a deep appreciation now for how much work goes into organ donation. So many things that have to be coordinated and fall into place at the right time. Curt's situation was particularly challenging. We are so appreciative of Mercy Medical Center and Donor Network NW. Everyone was amazing, and so supportive. Curt was treated with dignity and respect through the whole process. Before they go into surgery they have a moment of silence and can say something for the person before they start. We had them recite: To our talented, generous son, brother, and uncle, you have escaped the cage. Your wings are stretched out. Now fly!

My Brother Curt

My younger brother Curt was given up for adoption by his birth mother when he was around 8. He came into our home and we adopted him when he was around 12 years old. He came to us as a broken young boy feeling so deeply rejected. He was also gay. He felt rejected and unloveable by family and God because of this. He struggled with mental illness and addiction. Friday he attempted suicide. He is on life support but no brain activity. We are heading to California to spend his last moments with him. Through miscommunication I found out that two weeks before he had tried to reach out to me because he knew i would understand his struggles with his sexuality. He was reaching out for support. I didn't get the message and now it's too late. What I am going to tell him, and what I want to say to anyone who feels alone, misunderstood, rejected, judged for being gay, is that you are not a mistake. That YOU matter!! Of all the terrible things we as humans do to each other, loving someone of the same sex is not one of them. I can't believe in any God that would create a child gay and then reject them for that. How could any parent do that?! I will tell him and whomever else is struggling, that you are loved and deserve love. My brothers life has been tragic, and I am so sorry he could not feel peace and self-acceptance. Please, if you are struggling, reach out

Saving Myself

Three years ago two of my children were going through some life changing events, and struggling with some big challenges. Like most moms, I dove in like a fierce mama wanting to protect her children. In addition to working fulltime outside the home, I was driving to appointments, advocating for their care, playing counselor, and strong supporter.
I would go to work and take care of people all day, caring for, and advocating for their needs, and then come home and do the same for my children. I also had other children, and a husband who needed me and my time. Over period of months, I saw myself being swallowed up by my life. I was losing who I was as an individual. I slowly saw myself pulling away from friends, social events, or anything that would require me to give more of myself or time. I was trying to retain what little I had remaining.
The physical signs of being swallowed up were there. I was tired, I couldn't sleep, my weight began creeping up, and I felt hallow inside. One day I looked in the mirror and could clearly see the joy and passion had left my life. It was eaten up by taking on too many demands, and saying too many yeses. I was 30 lbs over weight and I felt so completely lost.
Fortunately I was able slowly find my way. I came back, but completely dismantled. I had developed a greater understanding of what I had lost and given up, as well as what I was hanging onto. I began to recognize and let go of the things that I was not. A stripping away of identities and beliefs that were given to me, but were not mine. Because of this, I have more clarity and strength.
This past week, my daughter confessed that she has relapsed and she needs help. As I looked at my beautiful resilient precious daughter and saw the shame, and guilt, and sadness that she was carrying on her body, I wanted to fix her. I wanted to love her into wellness, and yet I knew I couldn't. It hurt my heart so deeply knowing this wasn't my battle to fight.
A couple of days later I took off to the coast to give myself some space to breathe and take it all in. As I sat on a large rock on the beach I watched the waves lap onto the sand, and I could feel my body moving with the waves. Emotions coming in waves and waves of tears and grief. I allowed myself to feel the fear of losing my daughter as well as the fear of losing myself again in her addiction. It was there that I realized that I am not her Savior. It is not my job to save her, it is her job. My job is to save myself, which is something I was unable to really internalize and admit before. And then I reminded myself that to try and fix her, was to assume she was broken or incomplete in some way. I knew that wasn't true. She is perfection. She is everything she needs to be to save herself.
I came home sad, but also feeling lighter. I had once again let go of things that are not mine. I had left the that old identity of trying to save others on the beach and allowed the water to wash it away. Today, when I went back to work, I could feel that my life was once again trying to swallow me up, demanding of me that I give and give. I came home mentally, physically, and emotionally tired. But I walked my tired body upstairs and changed my clothes and laced up my shoes to work out. As my heart pounded and my lungs and legs burned, I could see the deeper meaning of this workout. With every movement, and every breath, I was saving myself.

Actions and Words

Some of you may be tired of hearing me speak about things that I think matter, and that is okay. I get it.  A Facebook friend made mention of LGBTites-In your face LGBT advocates. I think this person may have been referring to me. I can't be sure, but my guess is yes. And that is okay, I own it.

I think some of my friends feel that they can't speak up regarding their views regarding  same sex marriage and  homosexuality.  They may feel judged, and misunderstood. They want to be seen as someone who can disagree without being accused of being bigoted.  They may feel that LGBT lifestyle is being thrown in their face,  and that offends them. 

So I want to say, I hear your words. I feel your discomfort.  I know it is difficult to make room at the table, that has been primarily your own.  I also want to share what has been heard, even when you may have remained silent.

When Gay men were sent to mental hospitals to be castrated and given ice pick lobotomies through 1950-1970's , views were heard and felt through actions, loud and clear

When Gay men were told they could pray-the-gay-away- and subjected themselves to reparative therapy, that at times consisted of electroshock to the testicles and psychological rape.  Views were heard and felt through words and actions loud and clear

When a family disowned someone for their sexual orientation, views are  heard and felt through actions loud and clear.

When a same-sex partner is denied the right to be with, or make decisions for their life partner during a health crisis, views are  heard and felt through actions loud and clear.

When LGBT parents have no legal right to  their children, views are  heard and felt through actions loud and clear.

When same-sex partners, couples, families are considered "counterfeit",  views are  heard and felt through actions loud and clear

When LGBT people are bullied, beaten, and sometimes killed,  views are heard and felt through actions loud and clear.

When jobs are lost, and eviction notices posted on their door because of their sexual orientation,  views are  heard and felt through words and actions loud and clear.

When LGBT people hear condemnation on the pulpit and are kicked out of their religious home, views are  heard and felt through actions loud and clear.

 When LGBT youth consist of 10% of the population but makeup 20-40% of the homeless youth,  views are  heard and felt through actions loud and clear.

When LGBT youth are psychologically, and physically abused through conversion therapy, views are  heard and felt through actions loud and clear.

When I hear someone say,  they love and accept LGBT people, friends, and family, but you don't agree or accept their "Lifestyle". I want to know what does that kind of love and acceptance look like  through actions and words? How do they hear it? Is it the same words and  actions they have heard for decades?

What more needs to be said so that you feel heard?

Sin and Shame

When I was a teenager I committed a sin against God. At least that is what I was told. I had sex with my boyfriend. My parents condemned me, my church leaders condemned me.  I was labeled, judged, and withheld love and acceptance.

But when you look at my intent as a young teenage girl, what I was really doing was seeking and wanting love. I wanted connection. So in essence, I was charged as being sinful because of my deep need to feel LOVED.  

The giving away a part of myself to someone who could not fully understand and appreciate what I was giving them was the difficult lesson I should have learned from this experience, but it was not.  I learned that I am less valuable to others when I am used merchandise. I am less deserving of love if I disappoint others. I am not worthy to be a participatory actor in my clan when I sin.

Yes, there may have been healthier outlets, or ways to seek and feel loved, but that is not the point. The cruelty of condemnation and shame that we act out towards others, is devastating and disastrous. The way we label actions with swift dogmatic condemnation, appears to be more of an unrighteous act than the act of seeking love. Seeking connection.

Shaming, withholding, judging, exiling does not resolve the need for love and connection, yet we stand idly by, and accept the action of those that act out these treacherous deeds. I say treacherous, because it is done by those who say they love you.

I see this same  unjust behavior with those who love others of the same sex. They are condemned and judged for seeking LOVE and CONNECTION. For seeking INTAMACY.  The Irony is, the act of condemnation is deemed as an act of love. What a painful, unhealing "love" that is.

That is not the LOVE that I know. The LOVE I know, has no agenda. The act of Loving someone is not contingent with who they are, what they do, or how they disappoint you. Loving eyes see intent. Loving eyes see the heart.

In my world, I love because I can. Because it is needed. So desperately needed. Because learning to love more honestly and deeply is why I am here. I think it is why you are here too.

No Free Pass

As I am moving forward I realized I needed to interrupt my FB break so I can respond to my facebook post regarding the frustration and pain I saw happening in the name of religion. I received some feedback from some of my Christian friends, and for them I say thank you. I want to make it clear that I recognize there are many wonderful Christian people out in the world. I only have to look to my family, co-workers, and friends to see it. I see how my Christian co-workers love our patients who come from all walks of life. I truly feel blessed to work with so many amazing people.
But Christianity and religions don’t get a free pass. They deserve scrutiny just like the rest of us. To avoid speaking out about the injustices that are occurring in the name of God or the name of religion, because there are so many good Christians, to me is like saying, we shouldn’t talk about rape because there are so many good men that don’t rape. It makes all men look bad to talk about it.
When we fail to see injustice by anyone, and we say nothing, we become part of the problem. When moderate Christians fail to speak out against Christian extremist or Christian churches because you carry the same belief in Christ, the pain caused by your silence becomes more palpable.
People use the bible to explain why homosexuality is a sin and why same sex marriages are wrong. Over the years Christians have reformed their practices from the bible. We no longer believe it is okay to own people even though the bible states it is okay. We don’t think its okay to kill people for non-belief. We don’t burn people at the stake. If someone was in the slave trade today, we would consider them as being highly immoral and unchristian.
Well, I find discrimination against LGBT people highly immoral. I find Christians who are trying to legalize discrimination as being highly immoral. I think perpetuating lies and ignorant statements regarding LGBT people so you can hold onto your belief system is immoral. To refute science, because you want to hold onto your misinformed views is immoral. I think Christians going to other countries and perpetuating lies and willful ignorance, and pushing laws to a vulnerable population to serve your agenda is unconscionable. Today there are countries that have not only made homosexuality illegal, but deadly. Thanks in part of the help of American Christian churches and organizations.
I am sorry if you as a Christian are offended by my stance. But I do not apologize for speaking out against injustice. If you feel I am being one-sided, I will tell you that I have been on both sides of the fence. I was misinformed and ignorant. I hadn’t been trained to research, and think critically. I was basing decisions on fear rather than love and reason.
Now I understand that what has happened in Uganda and Nigeria is extreme. But you do not need extreme actions, or words to slowly chip away the self-worth of a LGBT teen. It’s all the little things you say, that you are not aware of, that sends a clear message to the child that there is a part of them that is not acceptable. How can you reject something that they had no control over? Sadly, many times it is the very people that created them, that they feel the most rejection from.
Last weekend when everyone was sitting in the comfort of their home, watching general conference, children were dying. They were dying from painful words that have heard spoken over and over again from the pulpit, in their home, by their teachers, and by their peers. This is so tragic, and so preventable.
To say from standing afar about how sorry you are, or how you have compassion for those “homosexuals” means so very little. Being sorry does not require any stretching, discomfort, change, or action on your part. Who in the hell cares if you are sorry?! It means nothing without action, without empathy, without risking and putting your heart out there. To RISK being wrong.
People who say they are sorry don’t have to be wrong. They can hold their views while still patting themselves on the back for being nice. It takes courage to be empathetic, to risk being wrong. And that is what makes me the angriest. Please don’t respond with what the gospel says, or the bible says, or what this or that church leader says. I have heard it and I am done listening to it. I find it insulting, offensive, and immoral.
Someone suggested to me to look on the bright side, and see all the good around me. I only have to walk into my home to see so much good. And it makes the hurt deeper. I think about those people who do not know my son and wonder why they would want to discriminate against him and so many like him. I think about my beautiful daughter and wonder if it will EVER be safe for her to use a public restroom, or walk down a street, by herself. When I see what others are trying to do to beautiful people like her, I don’t know the answer to that, and it makes me incredibly sad, and angry. As a parent I have every right to be outraged, and frustrated, and sickened by what Religion and Christians are trying to do to my children.
I am going back on my FB break. This gives you ample time to unfriend me, and move on if I offend you. Be warned, when I come back, I am going to be stronger, and fiercer. And my fierceness runs as deep as my love, so you know shit will be going DOWN when I come back.
To all of you who have had the courage to stretch, and grow, and learn, and reach out, I applaud you. There is something so very powerful about being broken open. It takes great vulnerability to do so, but worth it.

Religious Angst

     With so much in the news about religious extremist killing and kidnapping people,  States trying to discriminate under the guise of religious freedoms my heart is breaking. whether it's serving cake or allowing people to use the restroom. So much justification for bigotry, division, arrogance, and self-righteousness. Many times under willful ignorance.

     I am having a difficult time seeing the good in religion. I see the catastrophic damage that people have caused in the name of religion to those who are not of their religion, or don't prescribe to their "morals". I am tired of hearing how christians bash other christians because they aren't the "right kind" of christian. And then judging those of other religions, or who are non-religious, self-righteously assuming you are the on the right-side.

     I am tired of hearing people spout scriptures that condemn others assuming their subjective view, and cherry picking of the scriptures is the only right and true  understanding of them. I am tired of the dogmatic literal views of some scriptures that again, condemns others, while overlooking  other literal scripts because it isn't convenient.

     How many times does your scripture say to love one another?  How many times does your scriptures say to not judge others?  Why am I not seeing this in my daily news feed from my Christian friends?  I can't go on this weekend listening to others talk about the atonement and how grateful they are about being saved in one hand, and cast stones with the other.

     I am not impressed. I am not moved to follow your path. And not because I don't want to follow strict doctrine, but because I don't believe it is the best way to do the most good and prevent the least harm. Well-being not only comes from my life being free from suffering, but those around me. To see injustices towards women around the globe, and then justify patriarchy does not seem moral to me. To want to have love and connections with those around you, and at the same time prevent others from having that does not seem moral to me. To want job and housing security for yourself and your family, but try to stop others from having that does not appear moral. To condemn and kick out your children because you don't l.ike who they are attracted to  does not appear moral.

     To overlook or hide abuses in your church in order to protect it from condemnation, is immoral. To spend millions of dollars on expensive church houses while there are members and non-members around the globe going hungry does not appear moral.

     This holiday weekend, I am going to step away from the rhetoric, and go appreciate nature, and my family. I am going to contemplate how I can do good and make a difference; to help others with the time I have here.

Own your Shit

I often hear the term: God doesn’t make mistakes. If you have a penis you are a boy and if you have a vagina you are a girl”. And it is usually followed by an exclamation point. I also hear a lot of people using sex and gender interchangeably.
Sex is biological. Gender is typically defined as masculinity and femininity and is a social construct. There are many societal differences inhow gender is defined around the world.
Realty is neither sex nor gender is binary. God may not make mistakes but there are many variances with the XY chromosome.
Part of what defines the biological sex has to do with determination and differentiation of the xy chromosome. If sex is either male or female then you will have to explain to me how you define someone who is intersex, has Congenital Adrenal hyperplasia, and Androgen insensitivity syndrome. How there are so many variations in determination of the chromosomes.
Looking at Gender, we have created such a limiting view of women and men that we have to call girls “Tom Boys” or boys “Effeminate” if they don’t fit into this very limited construct.
WE are not paper cut outs! We are all unique and amazing, and at the same time all human.
There is a big debate happening online right now regarding allowing transgender women in a women’s dressing rooms. If you are afraid of MALE VIOLENCE, than we as a society need to come up with a better solution than refusing to have trans women in a dressing room. If you are afraid of MALE VIOLENCE then Fathers and Brothers, and Uncles, and Sons you need to change that. You need to help stop the mysogny and the violence because it STARTS and ENDS with YOU! You don’t want perverted men molesting your daughters then stop it! Knock that shit off. Do not BLAME Trans women for this problem. They are not the contributors. Because guess what? Transwomen are afraid of male violence too! And they have every reason to be. They are at extremely high risk for harassment and assault.
IF you want to be bigoted fine. At least be an educated one. OWN IT. Stop blaming God for YOUR decision to be one. If there is a GOD I bet he is pretty sick and tired of people displaying acts of hatred and violence in his name. I bet he’s real tired of that. OWN your SHIT.