How it all began

 It was 1992 Stephen was heading into the toddler stage. His beautiful smile, his pudgy little fingers,  his big dark brown eyes, melted my heart. He was perfection.  He had been very colicky as an infant, and  so I had held him almost constantly during the first 6mo of his life.  Going through that had created a tight bond between us.

I don't recall exactly when the thought of Stephen being gay came into my awareness, but I know it was during that time. I was confused as to why this awareness had come to me, but I tucked it way,  I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want it to be  true.

It was  during a time when there was this misconception that somehow homosexuality was a choice, or was caused by childhood trauma, (such as sexual abuse)  thus it could be fixed with therapy.  I continued to hold onto that view for many years. During those years I was a member of the LDS church. The church at the time also supported those ideas. As the years went by and I watched  Stephen grow, I would pray that what I was feeling wasn't true. I didn't want this to be his life and his struggle.

In 2000 My husband and I  became inactive and eventually left the church.  The following year I started taking college courses in preparation to apply to nursing school.  Up until that time I had been an LDS stay at home mom with 5 little kids. I  had very little experience with the outside world.  Going back to school opened up eyes, and exposed me to so many different cultures, religions, people.  I began to see my world through a different lens. It helped me to question some my misperceptions of people, and other world views.  Over the next six years working in the healthcare industry continued to open my eyes and question my judgment and views of others. I am so grateful for those experiences.  It had prepared me to fully accept my son.

In late 2008 I had begun to see changes happening with my son. We had always been close, I watched him begin to close himself off to me. I initially thought that it was part of the teen phase. But I also began to see him more unhappy. We had moved a few months prior and so I figured between the hormones and the move he was just struggling to adjust.

One afternoon Stephen called me while at work and asked me when I was going to be home because he wanted to talk to me. I let him know when I was going to be home.  A couple of hours later he called again. This was not like my son and I knew something was up. As I contemplated on what Stephen wanted to talk about,  the thought that ran through my mind the most was that Stephen wanted to tell me he was Gay.

When I arrived home, I found my anxious son waiting for me. When I asked him what he wanted to talk about he said he changed his mind and me to forget about it. But I could see how distressed and upset he was. I know he wanted to talk about something so I persisted. To test the waters I asked if he was using drugs. He quickly said he wasn't' which I already knew.  I  then looked into his big beautiful brown eyes. The eyes that I had fallen in love with so many years before. I then asked my him  if he was gay. He opened his mouth, I could see he was  preparing to deny it as he had the drugs, but he paused. His face began to turn red, and the tears came. He said over and over, "Mom, I don't want you to see me any different."  Tears began to well up in my eyes as well. I hugged my son and expressed how much I loved him. How the things that I wanted for him were the same. I wanted him to be happy. I wanted him to have joy and peace in his life. I wanted him to intimacy and love. This changed nothing in the way I felt about him, and it didn't... and yet it changed everything.

I reflected on the years I spent misinformed. the years I spent judging others.  the years I protested with myself about the possibility of my son being gay. The years I opted to not talk about homosexuality because it was an uncomfortable topic.  I realized my child would have to face people that were just like I  had been. People who were either  very ignorant and vehemently against those that were LGBT ( lesbian, gay, or transgender)  or that didn't want to discuss it because it was too uncomfortable.  I was scared for my child.  I was scared that people would overlook this amazing young man. The kid who was inherently good. Who never had to be told to do homework, or chores. Who never had to be disciplined. Who would never spend energy judging or hurting others. They would over look his kindness. They would hate him for something that he didn't choose, nor could change about himself. Someone may want to hurt him because of it.

The scariest part of it was that I felt so incredibly powerless to protect him from  this.  He would have to go out into the world and face it on his own.  I decided at that time I was going to protect him as much as I could. I set clear boundaries with family and friends.  I built up as many walls as I could.  I had determined at that time that one way I could protect him was to avoid religious institutions.  I saw the pain that religious people had caused to the gay community. Many were their family and friends. I wasn't going to allow that in my home, and circle if I could help it.

We were fortunate that the family who knew continued to love and embrace Stephen.  It's difficult not to love him.  This was true for  our LDS family as well.  I was grateful for that.  It worked. Stephen was supported and loved at home and around family. And Stephen was loved and accepted by his community  of friends.  He has a wonderful full life.  He has experienced love, and we were blessed to be a witness to it. To see my beautiful boy be loved by such a kind, thoughtful, young man brought me so much  joy and peace.  Peace in knowing he can have all the things that any mother  would want for their child.  The opportunity to experience love, intimacy, companionship,  fulfillment and joy.

As  the years have gone by Aaron and I learned that we also have a bisexual daughter and a transgender daughter. I am so grateful that my path has been what it was so I could embrace and love my children for who they are.  I think most parents of LGBT children who have fully accepted their children will say, that it has been one of their greatest gifts. It expanded the capacity love 1000x over. My empathy, compassion have expanded. I am so blessed because of who my children are. I feel sorry for those who close themselves off to the opportunity to go through this experience with their child, family member, friend, neighbor. They are closing themselves off to grow and expand beyond their own imagination.

As I re-opened the door to religion in my life, I still have those deep seeded fears. I fear the rejection,  and judgments.  I wait for the comments,  the recommendations of how to "fix" my kids.  I also feel anxious at the prospect of church members wanting to introduce my children to religion.  When I hear the stories of parents of gay children, or gay adults being rejected, and hurt by  church members, I find myself wanting to reinforce those protective walls.  While  I do see small changes in the church, I still do not believe church is a safe place for my kids. It saddens me, and I hope that it changes.

So why am I sharing my story? My hope is that people may realize when they are condemning, making  uneducated comments, or  judgments about people who are LGBT you are talking about a precious, Loved Child of God.  You are talking about my Precious Loved Child. You are talking about other parent's Precious Loved child.  You may being saying  it about  your Precious Loved child or family member, and not yet know it.   When that happens you annihilate their self-esteem and self worth.  You push them and yourself  further away from the true source of LOVE. 

My hope is that those of you who have been uncomfortable about discussing LGBT issues, or who don't feel any real motivation to do so because it  doesn't really impact your life will do so anyway. Please know you may  be impacted by it. That there may be a family member who are terrified to come out due to fear of judgment and rejection.  My hope is that people will want to reach out and gain understanding because we are all in this together.  Life is richer and has more meaning when we extend understanding, kindness, and empathy toward others.  My hope is that people will realize that it doesn't hurt their church standing to reach out and extend love towards your LGBT brothers and sisters.  To quote the Dalai lama, " If you want others to be happy,  practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.

My hope is that we will all want to practice compassion .

WE ARE ALL THE SAME

One of my first most difficult hospice patients was a younger woman who had abused her body with drugs. It was clear that her life had been difficult, and had made some choices with some painful consequences. Comparing myself to her we seemed very different, and had led very different lives. She was living in a difficult situation as she didn't have her own home. She was living with friends  who had made similar choices as herself and were dealing with some of the same struggles and consequences. 

She had an amazing mom who was so loving and devoted to her. She could see the good in her daughter.  I had really struggled with this patient for many reasons. People with drug addictions are difficult to treat symptom wise. Many times they have existential pain that they are unable to address. Her friends cared about her and tried to help, but due to their own struggles, they were not able to adequately take care of her.  We finally got her into a facility to get the care she needed. 

One evening as she was close to death, her mother and I were both sitting on each side of her. In walked in four very rough looking men. A couple of them appeared to be homeless. I felt very uncomfortable. The patient's mother smiled at them and began to share stories about the patient. Her mother began to share about a time they were going on a road trip and were at a rest stop. They were walking past some bushes, and the bushes began to rustle. The mother began to walk more quickly past the bushes. The patient stopped and looked in the bushes to see what was there. Inside the bushes was a homeless man. The patient looked at the man and asked if he was hungry. The man said yes but refused a hand out when the patient offered. The patient then asked if she could take the homeless man's picture. The man agreed and the patient paid him for the picture.  

As the mother was sharing this story one of the men in the room  eyes became teary and he said, " She found me in some bushes too". The men in the room then began to share stories of how giving, and caring the patient was. How she would share whatever she had, and welcome any person  or animal into her home that needed a place to sleep. 

This was such a powerful experience for me, and such a strong lesson. I realized in that moment, that the patient who appeared to be so different from me, was just like me. She had made choices that caused suffering. I have done that too. I have hurt people I love. I have been dishonest, I have made big mistakes. She was also loving, and compassionate. I am too. I have extended love and compassion to those around me. We were just the same.  People may not see it by just looking at the exterior. It requires looking within. 

I have used that lesson in my life and in my work. When I go into a hoarders home and there are bugs crawling on the wall, my first instinct is to be repulsed and turn away. But If I look deeper I can see how much I am like the hoarder. How many times has my mind been chaotic? how many times has my mind been filled with negative thoughts (garbage)? I can relate to the hoarder. Realizing she is just like me, helps me to let go of the outside appearance and get focused on serving, loving, and caring for another. It helps me to look in her eyes and see the pain she is experiencing, which allows me to extend empathy. 

Our mind is so focused on survival. We want to push away anyone that may appear as a threat. The moment we see someone that is different from us, we feel threatened. We want to judge, and condemn as a way of protecting ourselves. What I have found, is the more I judge and pull away the further from myself I feel. 

I love the quote from Rumi:

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ― 

Feeling separate and different than those around you create barriers to love.  Christ has shown the way to this. It's how he lived his life, and it's what he taught.  He demonstrated that the there is a place within us from  where we all come from the same source.  And that is why we are commanded to  Love thy Neighbors. Sometimes we have to get past our discomfort of seeing someone different from ourselves to see the divine connection between all of us. 

I read a very disturbing article before the Super bowl this year.  It discussed  sex trafficking. How college girls are kidnapped, and coerced and beaten to  sell their bodies for sex in order to meet the high demand of the sex trade during super bowl weekend. Thousands of men come into the city not only to watch the Super bowl live, but to buy sex.  Most people don't want to think about how Football contributes to sex trafficking. We want to look out at the crowd of football fans in the stadium and feel a camaraderie with them. After all they are look just like us. And we don't want to feel uncomfortable about the sex trade, because we want to continue to watch football without feeling guilty. 

Yet, a business person will see  same sex couple and immediately feelings of discomfort come to the surface. Immediately they see the difference between themselves and the couple. Or  at least that is what their mind is telling them. They feel threatened.  They are scared. They don't feel comfortable serving this couple. After all they are taught to believe Same sex attraction is a sin. They then feel justified in not wanting to serve them. They can use  their religious upbringing to justify it.  

To me this is insanity. This is illusion.  Without taking the time to question our thinking, expanding our view of other people. Without the work of looking deeper and finding connection, we are lost. We lose ourselves, and we lose each other. We miss the opportunity to walk Christ's path and become more like him.