One of my first most difficult hospice patients was a younger woman who had abused her body with drugs. It was clear that her life had been difficult, and had made some choices with some painful consequences. Comparing myself to her we seemed very different, and had led very different lives. She was living in a difficult situation as she didn't have her own home. She was living with friends who had made similar choices as herself and were dealing with some of the same struggles and consequences.
She had an amazing mom who was so loving and devoted to her. She could see the good in her daughter. I had really struggled with this patient for many reasons. People with drug addictions are difficult to treat symptom wise. Many times they have existential pain that they are unable to address. Her friends cared about her and tried to help, but due to their own struggles, they were not able to adequately take care of her. We finally got her into a facility to get the care she needed.
One evening as she was close to death, her mother and I were both sitting on each side of her. In walked in four very rough looking men. A couple of them appeared to be homeless. I felt very uncomfortable. The patient's mother smiled at them and began to share stories about the patient. Her mother began to share about a time they were going on a road trip and were at a rest stop. They were walking past some bushes, and the bushes began to rustle. The mother began to walk more quickly past the bushes. The patient stopped and looked in the bushes to see what was there. Inside the bushes was a homeless man. The patient looked at the man and asked if he was hungry. The man said yes but refused a hand out when the patient offered. The patient then asked if she could take the homeless man's picture. The man agreed and the patient paid him for the picture.
As the mother was sharing this story one of the men in the room eyes became teary and he said, " She found me in some bushes too". The men in the room then began to share stories of how giving, and caring the patient was. How she would share whatever she had, and welcome any person or animal into her home that needed a place to sleep.
This was such a powerful experience for me, and such a strong lesson. I realized in that moment, that the patient who appeared to be so different from me, was just like me. She had made choices that caused suffering. I have done that too. I have hurt people I love. I have been dishonest, I have made big mistakes. She was also loving, and compassionate. I am too. I have extended love and compassion to those around me. We were just the same. People may not see it by just looking at the exterior. It requires looking within.
I have used that lesson in my life and in my work. When I go into a hoarders home and there are bugs crawling on the wall, my first instinct is to be repulsed and turn away. But If I look deeper I can see how much I am like the hoarder. How many times has my mind been chaotic? how many times has my mind been filled with negative thoughts (garbage)? I can relate to the hoarder. Realizing she is just like me, helps me to let go of the outside appearance and get focused on serving, loving, and caring for another. It helps me to look in her eyes and see the pain she is experiencing, which allows me to extend empathy.
Our mind is so focused on survival. We want to push away anyone that may appear as a threat. The moment we see someone that is different from us, we feel threatened. We want to judge, and condemn as a way of protecting ourselves. What I have found, is the more I judge and pull away the further from myself I feel.
I love the quote from Rumi:
Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ―
Feeling separate and different than those around you create barriers to love. Christ has shown the way to this. It's how he lived his life, and it's what he taught. He demonstrated that the there is a place within us from where we all come from the same source. And that is why we are commanded to Love thy Neighbors. Sometimes we have to get past our discomfort of seeing someone different from ourselves to see the divine connection between all of us.
I read a very disturbing article before the Super bowl this year. It discussed sex trafficking. How college girls are kidnapped, and coerced and beaten to sell their bodies for sex in order to meet the high demand of the sex trade during super bowl weekend. Thousands of men come into the city not only to watch the Super bowl live, but to buy sex. Most people don't want to think about how Football contributes to sex trafficking. We want to look out at the crowd of football fans in the stadium and feel a camaraderie with them. After all they are look just like us. And we don't want to feel uncomfortable about the sex trade, because we want to continue to watch football without feeling guilty.
Yet, a business person will see same sex couple and immediately feelings of discomfort come to the surface. Immediately they see the difference between themselves and the couple. Or at least that is what their mind is telling them. They feel threatened. They are scared. They don't feel comfortable serving this couple. After all they are taught to believe Same sex attraction is a sin. They then feel justified in not wanting to serve them. They can use their religious upbringing to justify it.
To me this is insanity. This is illusion. Without taking the time to question our thinking, expanding our view of other people. Without the work of looking deeper and finding connection, we are lost. We lose ourselves, and we lose each other. We miss the opportunity to walk Christ's path and become more like him.
