Let go of your prisons

I would never wish upon anyone to lose a loved one through suicide. To have to watch a loved one hooked up to life support machines, with rope burns around their neck. The absolute loss. That beautiful tenor voice, and musical creativity never to be experienced again. Looking at my brother in that state, reawakened me to life, and how much time I have spent in my head, hanging onto things or people that do not serve my best or higher-self. Curt was imprisoned literally and figuratively. He was imprisoned by dark thoughts and pain, and ultimately imprisoned to a bed with tubes coming out of his beautiful being. I can see how I have imprisoned myself with my thoughts or ideologies as well. This morning I am feeling new sense of freedom and release of people and things. I am fortunate, that I can start anew today and so can you. To my dear friends, Let us not be a tragedy. I invite you to let go of your prisons whatever they may be. Where are your wounds? What are you hooked up to? Life is too short and precious.You are too precious. Let go, heal, set yourself free.

The Love that I AM

When we were at the hospital with Curt, the hospital would play a lullaby over the intercom system every time a baby was born. My sister Cristin, and my daughter Lindsay and I began looking forward every day to hearing the sound of the lullaby. There was something very therapeutic about knowing new life was entering the world, as my brother was leaving it. Life is so very very precious. We come into the world as love, as hope and as possibility. We are still all of those things. I think about my 20's and even my 30's worried about not being enough. Being smart enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, capable enough, strong enough, and good enough. I had forgotten. I had forgotten who I was. The time I had with my brother, helped me to remember to appreciate my life, live life with intent, and be the LOVE that I am.

My Heart Didn't Know the Difference

I am so grateful that I was able to hold my brothers hand for 4 days. That I was able to wash his face, wipe his nose and mouth, and rub his swollen feet and hands. That I was able to rub his head, and kiss his cheeks. That we were able to tell embarrassing or funny Curt stories and listen to his favorite music. That I was able to tell him I loved him, and how sorry I was that he was leaving us. That I was able to imprint the shape of his hands and his funny little thumbnail in my mind and heart. He had some brain stem activity until Thursday when he herniated during the night. I don't know how much of him was there, but it didn't matter. My heart didn't know the difference. It just saw my little brother and my heart just wanted to love him and honor him; to be a witness to his life. That was so incredibly difficult on so many levels, but am grateful we created loving space during his last days and that we sent his heart, wherever it may be beating, with lots of love.

Holding Space

There is something very powerful about holding and being present with someone else's suffering. I am grateful I have had the chance to practice this in my work as it prepared me to be there in this way for my brother. Honoring pain, is the path to healing. My brother carried so much pain. It must of felt too great a burden. So now I carry some of his pain with me, and I honor it, and give love to all those painful parts. Oh my beautiful brother, I love you. I will miss your beautiful voice, your dance moves, your teasing, and even the moments you tried to push people away with words. I am sad about all of the missed opportunities to extend love. I take all the pain and all the love to do good, to do better, to help and reach out to those who are suffering. Thank you for waking me up to all the love that still needs giving.

Wings are spread

Heart, kidney's, and liver went to recipients, lungs and pancreas to research. I have such a deep appreciation now for how much work goes into organ donation. So many things that have to be coordinated and fall into place at the right time. Curt's situation was particularly challenging. We are so appreciative of Mercy Medical Center and Donor Network NW. Everyone was amazing, and so supportive. Curt was treated with dignity and respect through the whole process. Before they go into surgery they have a moment of silence and can say something for the person before they start. We had them recite: To our talented, generous son, brother, and uncle, you have escaped the cage. Your wings are stretched out. Now fly!

My Brother Curt

My younger brother Curt was given up for adoption by his birth mother when he was around 8. He came into our home and we adopted him when he was around 12 years old. He came to us as a broken young boy feeling so deeply rejected. He was also gay. He felt rejected and unloveable by family and God because of this. He struggled with mental illness and addiction. Friday he attempted suicide. He is on life support but no brain activity. We are heading to California to spend his last moments with him. Through miscommunication I found out that two weeks before he had tried to reach out to me because he knew i would understand his struggles with his sexuality. He was reaching out for support. I didn't get the message and now it's too late. What I am going to tell him, and what I want to say to anyone who feels alone, misunderstood, rejected, judged for being gay, is that you are not a mistake. That YOU matter!! Of all the terrible things we as humans do to each other, loving someone of the same sex is not one of them. I can't believe in any God that would create a child gay and then reject them for that. How could any parent do that?! I will tell him and whomever else is struggling, that you are loved and deserve love. My brothers life has been tragic, and I am so sorry he could not feel peace and self-acceptance. Please, if you are struggling, reach out

Saving Myself

Three years ago two of my children were going through some life changing events, and struggling with some big challenges. Like most moms, I dove in like a fierce mama wanting to protect her children. In addition to working fulltime outside the home, I was driving to appointments, advocating for their care, playing counselor, and strong supporter.
I would go to work and take care of people all day, caring for, and advocating for their needs, and then come home and do the same for my children. I also had other children, and a husband who needed me and my time. Over period of months, I saw myself being swallowed up by my life. I was losing who I was as an individual. I slowly saw myself pulling away from friends, social events, or anything that would require me to give more of myself or time. I was trying to retain what little I had remaining.
The physical signs of being swallowed up were there. I was tired, I couldn't sleep, my weight began creeping up, and I felt hallow inside. One day I looked in the mirror and could clearly see the joy and passion had left my life. It was eaten up by taking on too many demands, and saying too many yeses. I was 30 lbs over weight and I felt so completely lost.
Fortunately I was able slowly find my way. I came back, but completely dismantled. I had developed a greater understanding of what I had lost and given up, as well as what I was hanging onto. I began to recognize and let go of the things that I was not. A stripping away of identities and beliefs that were given to me, but were not mine. Because of this, I have more clarity and strength.
This past week, my daughter confessed that she has relapsed and she needs help. As I looked at my beautiful resilient precious daughter and saw the shame, and guilt, and sadness that she was carrying on her body, I wanted to fix her. I wanted to love her into wellness, and yet I knew I couldn't. It hurt my heart so deeply knowing this wasn't my battle to fight.
A couple of days later I took off to the coast to give myself some space to breathe and take it all in. As I sat on a large rock on the beach I watched the waves lap onto the sand, and I could feel my body moving with the waves. Emotions coming in waves and waves of tears and grief. I allowed myself to feel the fear of losing my daughter as well as the fear of losing myself again in her addiction. It was there that I realized that I am not her Savior. It is not my job to save her, it is her job. My job is to save myself, which is something I was unable to really internalize and admit before. And then I reminded myself that to try and fix her, was to assume she was broken or incomplete in some way. I knew that wasn't true. She is perfection. She is everything she needs to be to save herself.
I came home sad, but also feeling lighter. I had once again let go of things that are not mine. I had left the that old identity of trying to save others on the beach and allowed the water to wash it away. Today, when I went back to work, I could feel that my life was once again trying to swallow me up, demanding of me that I give and give. I came home mentally, physically, and emotionally tired. But I walked my tired body upstairs and changed my clothes and laced up my shoes to work out. As my heart pounded and my lungs and legs burned, I could see the deeper meaning of this workout. With every movement, and every breath, I was saving myself.