Let go of your prisons

I would never wish upon anyone to lose a loved one through suicide. To have to watch a loved one hooked up to life support machines, with rope burns around their neck. The absolute loss. That beautiful tenor voice, and musical creativity never to be experienced again. Looking at my brother in that state, reawakened me to life, and how much time I have spent in my head, hanging onto things or people that do not serve my best or higher-self. Curt was imprisoned literally and figuratively. He was imprisoned by dark thoughts and pain, and ultimately imprisoned to a bed with tubes coming out of his beautiful being. I can see how I have imprisoned myself with my thoughts or ideologies as well. This morning I am feeling new sense of freedom and release of people and things. I am fortunate, that I can start anew today and so can you. To my dear friends, Let us not be a tragedy. I invite you to let go of your prisons whatever they may be. Where are your wounds? What are you hooked up to? Life is too short and precious.You are too precious. Let go, heal, set yourself free.

The Love that I AM

When we were at the hospital with Curt, the hospital would play a lullaby over the intercom system every time a baby was born. My sister Cristin, and my daughter Lindsay and I began looking forward every day to hearing the sound of the lullaby. There was something very therapeutic about knowing new life was entering the world, as my brother was leaving it. Life is so very very precious. We come into the world as love, as hope and as possibility. We are still all of those things. I think about my 20's and even my 30's worried about not being enough. Being smart enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, capable enough, strong enough, and good enough. I had forgotten. I had forgotten who I was. The time I had with my brother, helped me to remember to appreciate my life, live life with intent, and be the LOVE that I am.

My Heart Didn't Know the Difference

I am so grateful that I was able to hold my brothers hand for 4 days. That I was able to wash his face, wipe his nose and mouth, and rub his swollen feet and hands. That I was able to rub his head, and kiss his cheeks. That we were able to tell embarrassing or funny Curt stories and listen to his favorite music. That I was able to tell him I loved him, and how sorry I was that he was leaving us. That I was able to imprint the shape of his hands and his funny little thumbnail in my mind and heart. He had some brain stem activity until Thursday when he herniated during the night. I don't know how much of him was there, but it didn't matter. My heart didn't know the difference. It just saw my little brother and my heart just wanted to love him and honor him; to be a witness to his life. That was so incredibly difficult on so many levels, but am grateful we created loving space during his last days and that we sent his heart, wherever it may be beating, with lots of love.

Holding Space

There is something very powerful about holding and being present with someone else's suffering. I am grateful I have had the chance to practice this in my work as it prepared me to be there in this way for my brother. Honoring pain, is the path to healing. My brother carried so much pain. It must of felt too great a burden. So now I carry some of his pain with me, and I honor it, and give love to all those painful parts. Oh my beautiful brother, I love you. I will miss your beautiful voice, your dance moves, your teasing, and even the moments you tried to push people away with words. I am sad about all of the missed opportunities to extend love. I take all the pain and all the love to do good, to do better, to help and reach out to those who are suffering. Thank you for waking me up to all the love that still needs giving.

Wings are spread

Heart, kidney's, and liver went to recipients, lungs and pancreas to research. I have such a deep appreciation now for how much work goes into organ donation. So many things that have to be coordinated and fall into place at the right time. Curt's situation was particularly challenging. We are so appreciative of Mercy Medical Center and Donor Network NW. Everyone was amazing, and so supportive. Curt was treated with dignity and respect through the whole process. Before they go into surgery they have a moment of silence and can say something for the person before they start. We had them recite: To our talented, generous son, brother, and uncle, you have escaped the cage. Your wings are stretched out. Now fly!