I IMAGINE

I have learned a lot about living through the dying

One of the lessons I have learned is that all we all leave this earth on equal ground.  If being rich or being poor is perceived by material wealth and gains, then we all leave equally poor. Maybe 5 minutes prior to death you were living in a mansion with millions in your bank account, or living in a one bedroom house  with $600 social security check in your account. When you leave, you will leave with nothing. Everyone equal.

People will go through your material things and split it up between family members. Maybe they will  fight over it, even though someday they too will have to give it up. Maybe they won't see the value you placed on a material item, and dispose of it. I can't help but wonder what our perspective is on those things once we die and leave it all behind.  Does it hold the same value? Do we miss it?

If material things were so important shouldn't it be possible to take it all with us? If that is the purpose for us being here is to make and keep as much as possible for ourselves, I would think we could take it all with us.

I personally think it's all an illusion. A distraction that keeps us from what we are really here on this earth for. And I think we buy into because we are afraid. Afraid of death. We are afraid of not having value, making  difference, living to our full potential.

But I imagine that when we die,  our value won't lie on whether we were a CEO or janitor. It won't  be based on our bank accounts or titles.  It will be based on the love we exchanged with others. It will be how rich we are in love.

I imagine if there is a heaven there won't be imaginary borders  (property, city, state, country) that separate me from others. we won't be separated by class, color, culture.

I imagine that if there is a heaven and I get to be there, I won't be looking at those around me and say, " I am so glad I didn't help you. I am so glad that I didn't give up any of my material wealth, That I no longer own myself to help you"...I imagine that.

I also wonder that if it was God who made earth. Then he must be the landlord. He must be the owner of all. So really anything I have now doesn't belong to me. it belongs to him. I am just borrowing it for a time. So if my material things aren't really mine, then why do I have such a hard time sharing? If God is the owner and he is giving it all to me to use as I need.  It would make him the ultimate sharer. He is showing me what it really means to give, and share.

If it is so easy for God to make this planet and give it all away for our use, then why do we feel so threatened at having to share it? Why do we feel entitled to keep as much of it ourselves while we are here?  Why do I feel so threatened about sharing something that isn't even mine? I imagine that if God is the creator of all of us and he put all of us on this earth, it was meant to be shared.

So maybe success isn't based on material things. Maybe our value isn't attached to titles, status, material wealth. Then what is success based on?  I imagine it is based on the things we do take with us.

So what do we take with us? We take with us our love, our mental and emotional suffering, we take with us our grievances, our forgiveness, our compassion, our empathy, our judgments, our understanding. We take with us peace or despair.

I imagine that is where our success lies. And No one or no circumstance can take, those things away from us.

So if it is a possibility that is where my success lies, and that should be my focus while I am here. And maybe I should spend less time worrying if I am giving too much financially to those in need. Worrying about those that seem to need more financially then me. Using more financial resources than I am. Maybe worry more about whether or not I am loving them. worry if I am being empathetic, compassionate.

Why not create heaven on earth?

I have been in a position of having to use food stamps, WIC, family assistance, church food in my life because I didn't make enough.  I have also been in a position where my husband and I make a six figure income and have shelves of food. I have been in a position where I was denied health care because I didn't have insurance. I have also had the luxury of having two insurances which allowed me to have access to needed health care. I have been in a position where the only wheels I owned belonged on my children's stroller. I have also been in a position where I am the owner of multiple cars. I have been in a position where my whole apt fit in my living and dining room.

The only real difference between my life before and my life now, is people's perception of me. Internally I am still the same person. The person who loves people with a passion. It was others perception. People confusing my value by my bank account.

And here is the truth of it for me. I am rich in both situations. Poverty allowed me to accumulate a wealth of compassion, non-judgment, empathy, humility. It helped me find my real value. My real contribution to the world. It helped prepare me with skills I needed to live a happy life and do the work I do. 

Imagine how HEAVENLY this earthly life would be if everyone was greedy for love! Everyone's  SOUL purpose was to love everyone they came in contact with. To make one's life purpose to understand others.

Imagine how HEAVENLY this earthly life would be if we didn't worry about what  our neighbor was doing or not doing, contributing, not contributing.  But rather the focus be on how well we loved them despite those things. 

When I die, I hope others say how loving, and compassionate I was. How well I treated others. I hope that I take so much love with me my body can barely contain it all. 

A journey and exploration of Gender Identity and Roles

When my oldest son came out 3 years ago about being gay I didn't  question it. He  just confirmed what my heart already knew. And it didn't matter to me. At least with the idea of him being gay. But I did feel anxiety about the fact that people may hate him, and even may want to hurt him because of who he is attracted to or loves. And I was anxious over the fact that people may judge, and reject him because of their religious views. That bothered me tremendously.

Maggie came home in tears from school one day and asked, " Why do people think gay people are going to Hell?"  She wondered as I did, how could anyone who knew my son; the kind, gentle, smart, person that we knew ever think he belonged in Hell?...

Time has a way of easing fears and concerns. The act of coming out to selected people really gave him a confidence boost. He began to socialize more. He found a great group of friends. Life was good.

This experience with my eldest son in no way prepared me for what was coming next. one of my children being diagnosed with gender dysphoria.

"Transgender is an umbrella term for persons whose gender identity, gender expression, or behavior does not conform to that typically associated with the sex to which they were assigned at birth. Gender identity refers to a person’s internal sense of being male, female, or something else; gender expression refers to the way a person communicates gender identity to others through behavior, clothing, hairstyles, voice, or body characteristics. “Trans” is sometimes used as shorthand for “transgender.” While transgender is generally a good term to use, not everyone whose appearance or behavior is gender-nonconforming will identify as a transgender person. The ways that transgender people are talked about in popular culture, academia, and science are constantly changing, particularly as individuals’ awareness, knowledge, and openness about transgender people and their experiences grow."  http://www.apa.org/topics/sexuality/transgender.aspx

My child is a transgender female. Which means that the assigned birth is that of male but their internal sense of self is that of female. 

I know that just reading those words make some people uncomfortable. As a parent discovering and realizing that this is indeed what your child is, is  indescribable.  Sadness, loss, anxiety, fear, denial, love, acceptance..all playing out in a daily rollercoaster ride that I can't seem to get off of.

The thoughts that play out in my mind is: Who of those that claim they love "HER" will now reject her?  How many strangers will reject, and hate  her because she wanted her outside to match her inside? Who will want to harm her because she wants to have the freedom to be who she is, to live authentically? I think of this often. How many doors and opportunities will she be denied because we as a culture have made unwritten rules of what it means or looks like to be a male or female?

There are days when I feel at peace with the whole thing, and know we are making the right decisions for her. And there are moments when the sadness slips in, and the tears fall. It consumes me for a time. And then I remember the subtle positive changes that have come over my child as we have come to embrace this new, but same person in our lives. I see more smiles, a little more confidence. I see hope...

Maggie said with tears in her eyes, " You used to be my favorite brother, now you will be my favorite sister"...God, how blessed I am to be the mother of such amazing souls!

I know people will not agree in our decision to listen to our child, and to listen to what the knowledgeable professionals who are overseeing my child's medical care. I understand that you don't understand. I don't think I could have understood, without going through it. You can't possibly know..and that's okay.

I have heard many arguments starting with, "God doesn't make mistakes. He was born a "He", and to change that is a sin to go against God." I have to agree in that I don't think God makes mistakes either. 

Yet despite the fact that God does not make mistakes there are those who are born without limbs. Those without sight. Those with an extra chromosome. those who are born with Both sexes...If all of those anomalies can occur, despite God's perfection in all things, then why not incongruence  with their assigned sex and internal sex?

I can see as I go through this journey, so clearly why my children are my children, and why I am their mother.  My life experiences have lead and prepared me for these moments. To take a stand against injustice, and ignorance. My ability to be open to questioning my own thinking, willingness and desire to learn and grow. New possibilities, New perspectives. I see the perfection of my life story.

So I stand here on this journey today to let those with whom I love dearly to know that I love my children wholly and holy. Completely. My role at this point as I see it today it continue to provide a safe haven that we call home, where everyone feels safe to be who they are. To keep an open mind and open dialog that encourages questions, and exploration of ideas, and ideologies.  To question my own thinking when I am feeling fearful, and causing suffering. To discover and evaluate my own prejudices.  To love and accept myself completely so I can mirror to my children what it looks like. And to be an activist in all things LBGTQ. ! We are now referring to my transgender child with a female name and using female pronouns to honor how she feels internally. I now have three daughters, and two sons.

My hope for the future is that We won't need label each other by sexual orientation, gender assignment, race, or religion. But we will really see each other, for who we really are. That we won't use labels to separate and define, so we can somehow find ways to categorize ourselves to higher elevation than those around us. That the communities in which my children live in will see the amazing, smart, kind, gentle, wise, thoughtful beings they are.  That we will be free to be who we are, and have the courage to be seen. Spirit acknowledging and connecting with spirit. Love, peace and hope to you all.

 Below is another mother's journey. I so connected to this, 

http://www.transactiveonline.org/community_education/documents/Faith-Religion-Love.pdf