It was 1992 Stephen was heading into the toddler stage. His beautiful
smile, his pudgy little fingers, his big
dark brown eyes, melted my heart. He was perfection. He had been very colicky as an infant,
and so I had held him almost constantly
during the first 6mo of his life. Going
through that had created a tight bond between us.
I don't recall exactly when the thought of Stephen being gay came into
my awareness, but I know it was during that time. I was confused as to why this
awareness had come to me, but I tucked it way,
I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want it to be true.
It was during a time when there
was this misconception that somehow homosexuality was a choice, or was caused
by childhood trauma, (such as sexual abuse) thus it could be fixed with therapy. I continued to hold onto that view for many
years. During those years I was a member of the LDS church. The church at the
time also supported those ideas. As the years went by and I watched Stephen grow, I would pray that what I was
feeling wasn't true. I didn't want this to be his life and his struggle.
In 2000 My husband and I became
inactive and eventually left the church.
The following year I started taking college courses in preparation to
apply to nursing school. Up until that
time I had been an LDS stay at home mom with 5 little kids. I had very little experience with the outside
world. Going back to school opened up
eyes, and exposed me to so many different cultures, religions, people. I began to see my world through a different
lens. It helped me to question some my misperceptions of people, and other
world views. Over the next six years
working in the healthcare industry continued to open my eyes and question my
judgment and views of others. I am so grateful for those experiences. It had prepared me to fully accept my son.
In late 2008 I had begun to see changes happening with my son. We had
always been close, I watched him begin to close himself off to me. I initially
thought that it was part of the teen phase. But I also began to see him more
unhappy. We had moved a few months prior and so I figured between the hormones
and the move he was just struggling to adjust.
One afternoon Stephen called me while at work and asked me when I was
going to be home because he wanted to talk to me. I let him know when I was
going to be home. A couple of hours later
he called again. This was not like my son and I knew something was up. As I
contemplated on what Stephen wanted to talk about, the thought that ran through my mind the most
was that Stephen wanted to tell me he was Gay.
When I arrived home, I found my anxious son waiting for me. When I
asked him what he wanted to talk about he said he changed his mind and me to forget
about it. But I could see how distressed and upset he was. I know he wanted to
talk about something so I persisted. To test the waters I asked if he was using
drugs. He quickly said he wasn't' which I already knew. I then looked into his big beautiful brown eyes. The
eyes that I had fallen in love with so many years before. I then asked my him if he was gay. He opened his mouth, I could
see he was preparing to deny it as he
had the drugs, but he paused. His face began to turn red, and the tears
came. He said over and over, "Mom, I don't want you to see me any different." Tears began to well up in my eyes as well. I hugged
my son and expressed how much I loved him. How the things that I wanted for him
were the same. I wanted him to be happy. I wanted him to have joy and peace in
his life. I wanted him to intimacy and love. This changed nothing in the way I
felt about him, and it didn't... and yet it changed everything.
I reflected on the years I spent misinformed. the years I spent
judging others. the years I protested
with myself about the possibility of my son being gay. The years I opted to not
talk about homosexuality because it was an uncomfortable topic. I realized my child would have to face people
that were just like I had been. People who
were either very ignorant and vehemently
against those that were LGBT ( lesbian, gay, or transgender) or that didn't want to discuss it because it
was too uncomfortable. I was scared for
my child. I was scared that people would
overlook this amazing young man. The kid who was inherently good. Who never had
to be told to do homework, or chores. Who never had to be disciplined. Who
would never spend energy judging or hurting others. They would over look his kindness.
They would hate him for something that he didn't choose, nor could change about
himself. Someone may want to hurt him because of it.
The scariest part of it was that I felt so incredibly powerless to
protect him from this. He would have to go out into the world and
face it on his own. I decided at that
time I was going to protect him as much as I could. I set clear boundaries with
family and friends. I built up as many
walls as I could. I had determined at
that time that one way I could protect him was to avoid religious
institutions. I saw the pain that religious
people had caused to the gay community. Many were their family and friends. I
wasn't going to allow that in my home, and circle if I could help it.
We were fortunate that the family who knew continued to love and
embrace Stephen. It's difficult not to
love him. This was true for our LDS family as well. I was grateful for that. It
worked. Stephen was supported and loved at home and around family. And Stephen
was loved and accepted by his community
of friends. He has a wonderful
full life. He has experienced love, and
we were blessed to be a witness to it. To see my beautiful boy be loved by such
a kind, thoughtful, young man brought me so much joy and peace. Peace in knowing he can have all the things
that any mother would want for their
child. The opportunity to experience
love, intimacy, companionship, fulfillment
and joy.
As the years have gone by Aaron
and I learned that we also have a bisexual daughter and a transgender daughter.
I am so grateful that my path has been what it was so I could embrace and love
my children for who they are. I think
most parents of LGBT children who have fully accepted their children will say,
that it has been one of their greatest gifts. It expanded the capacity love
1000x over. My empathy, compassion have expanded. I am so blessed because of
who my children are. I feel sorry for those who close themselves off to the
opportunity to go through this experience with their child, family member,
friend, neighbor. They are closing themselves off to grow and expand beyond
their own imagination.
As I re-opened the door to religion in my life, I still have those
deep seeded fears. I fear the rejection,
and judgments. I wait for the
comments, the recommendations of how to
"fix" my kids. I also feel
anxious at the prospect of church members wanting to introduce my children to
religion. When I hear the stories of
parents of gay children, or gay adults being rejected, and hurt by church members, I find myself wanting to
reinforce those protective walls. While I do see small changes in the church, I still
do not believe church is a safe place for my kids. It saddens me, and I hope
that it changes.
So why am I sharing my story? My hope is that people may realize when
they are condemning, making uneducated
comments, or judgments about people who
are LGBT you are talking about a precious, Loved Child of God. You are talking about my Precious Loved Child.
You are talking about other parent's Precious Loved child. You may being saying it about your Precious Loved child or family member,
and not yet know it. When that happens
you annihilate their self-esteem and self worth. You push them and yourself further away from the true source of
LOVE.
My hope is that those of you who have been uncomfortable about
discussing LGBT issues, or who don't feel any real motivation to do so because
it doesn't really impact your life will
do so anyway. Please know you may be
impacted by it. That there may be a family member who are terrified to come out
due to fear of judgment and rejection. My hope is that people will want to reach out
and gain understanding because we are all in this together. Life is richer and has more meaning when we
extend understanding, kindness, and empathy toward others. My hope is that people will realize that it
doesn't hurt their church standing to reach out and extend love towards your
LGBT brothers and sisters. To quote the Dalai
lama, " If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy,
practice compassion.
My hope is that we will all want to practice compassion .
