How it all began

 It was 1992 Stephen was heading into the toddler stage. His beautiful smile, his pudgy little fingers,  his big dark brown eyes, melted my heart. He was perfection.  He had been very colicky as an infant, and  so I had held him almost constantly during the first 6mo of his life.  Going through that had created a tight bond between us.

I don't recall exactly when the thought of Stephen being gay came into my awareness, but I know it was during that time. I was confused as to why this awareness had come to me, but I tucked it way,  I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want it to be  true.

It was  during a time when there was this misconception that somehow homosexuality was a choice, or was caused by childhood trauma, (such as sexual abuse)  thus it could be fixed with therapy.  I continued to hold onto that view for many years. During those years I was a member of the LDS church. The church at the time also supported those ideas. As the years went by and I watched  Stephen grow, I would pray that what I was feeling wasn't true. I didn't want this to be his life and his struggle.

In 2000 My husband and I  became inactive and eventually left the church.  The following year I started taking college courses in preparation to apply to nursing school.  Up until that time I had been an LDS stay at home mom with 5 little kids. I  had very little experience with the outside world.  Going back to school opened up eyes, and exposed me to so many different cultures, religions, people.  I began to see my world through a different lens. It helped me to question some my misperceptions of people, and other world views.  Over the next six years working in the healthcare industry continued to open my eyes and question my judgment and views of others. I am so grateful for those experiences.  It had prepared me to fully accept my son.

In late 2008 I had begun to see changes happening with my son. We had always been close, I watched him begin to close himself off to me. I initially thought that it was part of the teen phase. But I also began to see him more unhappy. We had moved a few months prior and so I figured between the hormones and the move he was just struggling to adjust.

One afternoon Stephen called me while at work and asked me when I was going to be home because he wanted to talk to me. I let him know when I was going to be home.  A couple of hours later he called again. This was not like my son and I knew something was up. As I contemplated on what Stephen wanted to talk about,  the thought that ran through my mind the most was that Stephen wanted to tell me he was Gay.

When I arrived home, I found my anxious son waiting for me. When I asked him what he wanted to talk about he said he changed his mind and me to forget about it. But I could see how distressed and upset he was. I know he wanted to talk about something so I persisted. To test the waters I asked if he was using drugs. He quickly said he wasn't' which I already knew.  I  then looked into his big beautiful brown eyes. The eyes that I had fallen in love with so many years before. I then asked my him  if he was gay. He opened his mouth, I could see he was  preparing to deny it as he had the drugs, but he paused. His face began to turn red, and the tears came. He said over and over, "Mom, I don't want you to see me any different."  Tears began to well up in my eyes as well. I hugged my son and expressed how much I loved him. How the things that I wanted for him were the same. I wanted him to be happy. I wanted him to have joy and peace in his life. I wanted him to intimacy and love. This changed nothing in the way I felt about him, and it didn't... and yet it changed everything.

I reflected on the years I spent misinformed. the years I spent judging others.  the years I protested with myself about the possibility of my son being gay. The years I opted to not talk about homosexuality because it was an uncomfortable topic.  I realized my child would have to face people that were just like I  had been. People who were either  very ignorant and vehemently against those that were LGBT ( lesbian, gay, or transgender)  or that didn't want to discuss it because it was too uncomfortable.  I was scared for my child.  I was scared that people would overlook this amazing young man. The kid who was inherently good. Who never had to be told to do homework, or chores. Who never had to be disciplined. Who would never spend energy judging or hurting others. They would over look his kindness. They would hate him for something that he didn't choose, nor could change about himself. Someone may want to hurt him because of it.

The scariest part of it was that I felt so incredibly powerless to protect him from  this.  He would have to go out into the world and face it on his own.  I decided at that time I was going to protect him as much as I could. I set clear boundaries with family and friends.  I built up as many walls as I could.  I had determined at that time that one way I could protect him was to avoid religious institutions.  I saw the pain that religious people had caused to the gay community. Many were their family and friends. I wasn't going to allow that in my home, and circle if I could help it.

We were fortunate that the family who knew continued to love and embrace Stephen.  It's difficult not to love him.  This was true for  our LDS family as well.  I was grateful for that.  It worked. Stephen was supported and loved at home and around family. And Stephen was loved and accepted by his community  of friends.  He has a wonderful full life.  He has experienced love, and we were blessed to be a witness to it. To see my beautiful boy be loved by such a kind, thoughtful, young man brought me so much  joy and peace.  Peace in knowing he can have all the things that any mother  would want for their child.  The opportunity to experience love, intimacy, companionship,  fulfillment and joy.

As  the years have gone by Aaron and I learned that we also have a bisexual daughter and a transgender daughter. I am so grateful that my path has been what it was so I could embrace and love my children for who they are.  I think most parents of LGBT children who have fully accepted their children will say, that it has been one of their greatest gifts. It expanded the capacity love 1000x over. My empathy, compassion have expanded. I am so blessed because of who my children are. I feel sorry for those who close themselves off to the opportunity to go through this experience with their child, family member, friend, neighbor. They are closing themselves off to grow and expand beyond their own imagination.

As I re-opened the door to religion in my life, I still have those deep seeded fears. I fear the rejection,  and judgments.  I wait for the comments,  the recommendations of how to "fix" my kids.  I also feel anxious at the prospect of church members wanting to introduce my children to religion.  When I hear the stories of parents of gay children, or gay adults being rejected, and hurt by  church members, I find myself wanting to reinforce those protective walls.  While  I do see small changes in the church, I still do not believe church is a safe place for my kids. It saddens me, and I hope that it changes.

So why am I sharing my story? My hope is that people may realize when they are condemning, making  uneducated comments, or  judgments about people who are LGBT you are talking about a precious, Loved Child of God.  You are talking about my Precious Loved Child. You are talking about other parent's Precious Loved child.  You may being saying  it about  your Precious Loved child or family member, and not yet know it.   When that happens you annihilate their self-esteem and self worth.  You push them and yourself  further away from the true source of LOVE. 

My hope is that those of you who have been uncomfortable about discussing LGBT issues, or who don't feel any real motivation to do so because it  doesn't really impact your life will do so anyway. Please know you may  be impacted by it. That there may be a family member who are terrified to come out due to fear of judgment and rejection.  My hope is that people will want to reach out and gain understanding because we are all in this together.  Life is richer and has more meaning when we extend understanding, kindness, and empathy toward others.  My hope is that people will realize that it doesn't hurt their church standing to reach out and extend love towards your LGBT brothers and sisters.  To quote the Dalai lama, " If you want others to be happy,  practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.

My hope is that we will all want to practice compassion .